Understanding the way the brain works has changed my responses to both my clients and my children. Here are some surprising conversations I have with clients when they tell me about their Middle Schoolers most frustrating behaviors…

Parent: She lied right to my face!

Mac: That’s good! First — everyone lies.

Second — lying shows that your child knows she did wrong and is afraid to disappoint or upset you. It’s far worse to have a child who stares you right in the eyes and says, “Yeah, I broke that rule. What are you going to do about it?”

Third — lying is a complex cognitive task. Lying takes smarts. As parents, we should (usually) focus on what the child lied about (e.g., using her mobile phone before homework was done), rather than the lie itself.

Parent: He does his chores sometimes without me telling him, but then I come home and he hasn’t taken the trash cans in. I shouldn’t have to remind him!

Mac: Wrong! Raising kids is like training dogs–teach and repeat. And just like with dogs, praise gets more results than punishment. So praise praise praise (“Good doggy, dog!!”) Remembering to do unpleasant tasks takes a lot of cognitive energy. When we’re tired or stressed, our brains don’t work as well–we forget stuff. So when he says, “I forgot,” he’s probably telling the truth. Also, young brains have a much harder time remembering multiple tasks at once. If you’ve told him, “Unpack your bag, do your homework, take out the trash, then feed the dog,” he’s forgotten half the list before you finish. Help your middle-schooler write “to do” lists or use reminder apps. Give instructions in manageable chunks and remind frequently. And praise 10 times for every 1 criticism.

Parent: She’s so lazy. She just wants everything without working for it.

Mac: Me too! We all wish we could get what we wanted without working for it. Our brains are built to be lazy–we look for shortcuts. It takes training to learn we have to work for what we want. Long-term planning and delaying gratification are complicated, difficult cognitive tasks that require a lot of energy and practice. They also require a fully developed prefrontal cortex, which your middle schooler doesn’t have. Don’t expect your child to work hard until you’ve trained her to do that. And even if you do train her, don’t expect her to like it.

Griping about hard work is part of the human condition. Remember: If your child gripes and whines, you’re probably doing something right (as long as you don’t give in).

Parent: She’s so mean to me. She hurts my feelings all the time.

Mac: This is one of the hardest parts of parenting. We love our children so dearly, and they can seem so cruel. But remember: Your child is probably pretty terrible at separating feelings (limbic system) from thoughts (prefrontal cortex). She’s unskilled at examining her own internal experience (“meta-cognition”) and expressing her emotions appropriately (integration of limbic and prefrontal cortex). So…when she says “I hate you!” she’s really saying: “I’m angry with you for not doing what I want” or “I’m hurt because I feel you don’t approve of who I am” or “I’m frustrated because I want to be an independent person and you’re imposing your will.”

Try not to let “I hate you” hurt your feelings.

Just take a deep breath, stay calm, and keep parenting.

You’re doing great.

FOR FURTHER READING:

The Teenager Brain: A Neuroscientist’s Survival Guide to Raising Teenagers and Young Adults by Frances E. Jensen, M.D. and Amy Ellis Nutt